A Sad Lack of Consonants
by fiendish-muse
Summary: A PARODY. One day, Sesshoumaru falls madly, deeply, and dangerously in love with Kagome when she is weeping in the woods and becomes determined to have her as his mate. Bad plot twists, bad romance, and generally bad writing ensues.
1. The Most Serious Wooer

WOOHOO. Here's my little parody of some rather typical Sess-Kag fics. This has probably been done before, but I want to make my own little contribution. Don't get me wrong, I love Sess-Kag fics, but sometimes they badly need to have fun poked at them.

So now, let's go poke some fun. . Oh, and ALL A/N's WITHIN THE FANFIC ITSELF ARE _NOT_ ACTUAL A/N's.

* * *

Sesshie knew that it was time. He could feel it in the wind, he could feel it in the woods, and he could feel it in the earth. He could even feel it in his hair.

It was time to go beat up Inuyasha.

Sesshie equipped his weapons, threw his customary feather boa over his shoulder, checked his reflection in the mirror to make sure that he had the right amount of flair, and left.

While riding on Ah-Un, (why, he had to ask himself, had he named the damn thing Ah-Un? It sounded so… prehistoric. Like a combination between a grunt and a sneeze) he regarded the lands below him. They were perfect.

Except for the humans. _God_. If only they had never evolved. It had been so much easier dealing with them when they still lived in trees and thought that flinging excrement was one of the finer points of life.

Snorting in disgust, a mysteriously intriguing scent soon reached his nostrils. It took him about two seconds before he recognized it as the smell of his brother's human wench. Or was it bitch? Ah, well. Not important.

It just wasn't fair. Why should she get to smell that good? Sesshie struggled to smell _half_ that good. He had to spend _hours_ toiling away in the bathhouse. Toiling. Literally _toiling_. He shook his head sadly to himself. It just wasn't right.

He decided to follow the scent. After all, she was usually with his brother. This could turn out rather well. He was going to get to watch his brother suffer _and_ discreetly try to figure out her hygienic secrets.

Sesshie got closer… and closer… and closer. Soon he was so close that even Kagome could hear his theme music.

As she turned her face towards the sky, he realized what had been nagging at him as he flew towards her on Ah-Un. (Again, why Ah-Un? Was it possible that he could have forgotten his consonants on that fateful day?) She was crying. Tears were gliding down her face. (A/N: yah so I no that's sorta repetititive or something but I just wanted to add it inn for artistic affect, ya know… im trying develop a writing style groove here…)

Her face was beautiful. In that one, fateful moment, Sesshie felt all of his previous characterization and personality nuances slide away to go bite some poor fan girl on the ass. He was Dangerously In Love.

'_Sesshie_,' he said to himself, '_it's time for a new you. ' _It became clear to Sesshie that he needed to become the quintessential sexy, mysterious, violent, possessive, yet ultimately caring and gentle man.

This would be hard. But he knew, in his heart of hearts, that he could do it. He could go OOC for Kagome. Plus, he'd started to realize that no one really wants to read about an emotionally repressed, haughty character who spends most of his time striding around in silk pants and, on special occasions, speaking monosyllabically anyways.

Slipping gracefully of Ah-Un, (Why? Why Ah-Un? He needed that question answered, and soon) he strode towards the weeping wench. She was merely staring at her, but there was no fear in her expression.

Instead, there was a look of great and terrible loss. Sesshie had no trouble recognizing it—he had seen it in his own eyes only yesterday, when he looked in the mirror to discover that he was sadly lacking in flair. He had dealt with that issue swiftly, but the pain of that moment still clung to him.

Reaching down with a clawed hand, Sesshie reached down to stroke Kagome's cheek. "Why are you crying, wench?"

When she didn't respond, he gathered that he hadn't addressed her properly, so he tried again. "Why are you crying, bitch?"

The wench in question glared at him before lifting her hand to slap him flatly on the face. "My name is not wench, nor is it bitch. It is Kagome. Ka-go-me." Her eyes again filled with tears, as she relived another similar experience with a different dog demon.

Deciding to completely ignore her emotional distress, he gripped her arm and pulled her to him. Her soft body collided with his, and she made a small sound of surprise.

Ah-hah! This was more like it! Now that he had initiated some physical contact, he felt more than ready to deal with whatever emotional distress Kagome decided to throw at him.

"Kagome… such a beautiful name," he mused aloud, pointedly ignoring the struggling girl in his arms. (God, it was _so_ much better than Ah-Uh. It wasn't lacking in constants at _all_.)

"Let—Me—Urmph—Go!" she managed to get out while squirming in his embrace. Pleasant sensations swept through his body at her every moment. Sesshie smirked. So there were benefits to being a sexy, mysterious, violent, possessive and yet gentle and caring love interest after all!

After silently thanking the heavens that no matter what fanfic you read, the surprised maiden in the villain/hero's embrace will always try to squirm out of it at least once, he replied in a low and husky manner,

"Kagome, I will never let you go." And with that final statement, he quickly flew off to his castle with her in his arms. He had a lot of wooing to do, and Sesshie was a very serious Wooer.

* * *

Reviews are nice (yes, even three-word reviews like "I liked it" or "This really sucks," though I have to admit I'd rather get the former), but I won't demand them. Oh, and I do not own the title of the song by Destiny's Child, "Dangerously in Love," which is rather obsoletely referenced in here to my everlasting shame.


	2. Sumptuous, Plush, and Luxurious

Well, this WAS going to be a one-shot, but I had so much fun writing it and I got such a positive response from my reviewers that I couldn't help but continue…

Please Enjoy.

* * *

In order to avoid unnecessary struggles, no matter how enjoyable they may have been, Sesshie knocked Kagome out. Either she had to faint or he had to knock her unconscious. Obviously, she wasn't going to faint anytime soon, so the duty fell to him.

'..._I hate it when the duty falls to me_,' he reflected, watching as his castle grew near. '_Gravity sucks._'

It appeared slowly on the horizon—large, ominous, and strong. A white mist seemed to be permanently gathered around it, swirling like pudding in a toilet bowl. '_Ew._' For some reason, that imagery was making him feel ill.

Not that he would show his nausea. Sesshie was the strong, silent type.

He descended from his cloud and strode toward his chambers with the girl gathered protectively in his arms. Catching a glimpse of himself in a passing mirror, he smirked.

Having a pretty girl gathered protectively in his arms was doing absolutely _incredible_ things to his flair. Maybe he should just ditch the feather boa and carry the girl around instead.

Nah. Bugger that. A gut instinct told him that Kagome might not like the idea.

Striding gracefully down a dark corridor (because frankly, there isn't much else to do in dark corridors) the inevitable happened. He ran into Jaken.

The horrid little beast looked at Kagome and sneered. "A human… how nice. Are you going to kill it?" The idea pleased Jaken, he could tell. The scent of a Frog/Toad/Whatever-the-Hell-He-Is Getting Excited Over the Thought of a Human's Imminent Deathwas fillingthe air.

(Sesshie had a very good nose, and he wasn't afraid to use it. Not only was his nose able to pick out distinct scents, but it was also Svelte, Sexy, and Suave. It screamed Sex Appeal like only a very good nose can.)

Jaken sniffed the air curiously and took a step closer. "My liege-lord… majesty… kingship… highness… wonderful -sama…" he inquired almost hesitantly as he took a step closer, "isn't that…?"

Sesshie watched with inner amusement as realization dawned upon his vassal. Jaken's jaw dropped and he screamed out, "Your brother's human wench? OMGWTF!"

Then he passed out.

At this, Sesshie couldn't help but frown. This was _completely _out of character for Jaken. Jaken should have screamed for at least another minute or two.

Ah, well.

Stepping over his minion's prone body, he continued traveling to his bedchambers. He knew that it wasn't proper to have a young lady sleep in an older, more "experienced" man's bedroom, but he also knew that would be _entirely_ improper for Kagome to awaken in a room that wasn't sumptuous, luxurious, and plush.

Such an occurrence is a major plot development that should never be disregarded in any fanfic that includes a quintessentially sexy, mysterious, violent, possessive, yet ultimately caring and gentle man.

That way, when she awoke in a state of confusion, she would find herselfenveloped by smooth silk sheets. After softly running her hands over the soft material, she would look up to find herself surrounded by two things: velvet curtains and mahogany drawers.

This would comfort her, as being surrounded by expensive furniture often does.

Not only that, but it would also subtly let her know that he, Sesshie, was not going to treat her in a Spartan Manner. No doubt she would be reassured at this as well—after all, if you're going to be kidnapped, then why not be kidnapped by someone who could potentially afford all of the expensive torture equipment?

Lying Kagome down on the bed, he looked down at her sleeping face. She looked pretty much the same awake as she did sleeping, but he wasn't about to admit _that_.

So instead, he sighed over her unconscious form and left the room. Maybe while she was recovering, he could do something appropriately manly like practice his swordsmanship or hunt lesser youkai in the woods. '_Or,'_ a little voice in his head added, '_you could try and find out if you were drunk when you named Aun as Aun…'_

Nodding silently to himself, his ever-stoic countenance intact, he strode off into the distance as many a strong stoic male is prone to do.

* * *

As the philosopher Socrates once said, "The un-reviewed story is not worth reading." So please, REVIEW. .

(Yes, I butchered that quote. No, neither it nor Socrates belongs to me… Who would have guessed! Yes, there are many good stories out there that have not gotten nearly as many reviews as they deserve.)


	3. Kagome the Fabulous Human Chewdoll

I feel like the humor level dropped this chapter, but never fear! I feel that the next chapter makes up for it. Heheheh.

* * *

Kagome awoke slowly, the remaining afternoon light filtering in softly through the heavily curtained windows. _'Where am I? I remember seeing Inuyasha kissing Kikyou. That stupid hanyou went and putting his mouth where it doesn't belong… god. He needs to have his head examined for necrophilia.' _

She had gone running through the forest for a good cry—after all, it's common knowledge that if you want a good cry, you should go running through a forest—and then she had run into Sesshoumaru. He had embraced her before knocking her unconscious. Yeah.

Something about this situation seemed very, very wrong.

'_Wait. Sesshoumaru embraced me… then I was unconscious… now I'm in a fancy room in a strange castle…golden eyes staring at me from the corner of the room…I'm surrounded by mahogany drawers, yes, very nice, the silk sheets are a nice touch too—Wait. Golden eyes?_'

"GAAAAAHH!"

The scream echoed through the castle. Resident demons merely shook their heads and continued about their daily business upon hearing the noise, assuming that a new maid had probably just stumbled across Jaken for the first time. It wasn't an uncommon reaction.

Inside Sesshoumaru's room, Kagome sat up ramrod straight in the large bed, panting. She could have sworn that she had just seen a demon with golden eyes observing her calmly from a far corner of the room.

'_Which technically means that it was Sesshoumaru_… _if 'it' wasn't a hallucination or some sort of disease received by watching too much interaction between the undead and the not-dead-at-all. Good science fair project, that.'_

Scanning the room now, however, all Kagome could see was expensive furniture and the occasional lonely rug.

"Looking for someone, Ka-go-me?" someone whispered softly into her ear from behind, one hand coming forth to lightly stroke her neck.

"GAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Kagome whipped around so quickly in response to the question that she lost all sort of balance, and ended up face-faulting into the soft plush of the mattress. A deep chuckle sounded from behind her.

'_Oh, crap. It's Sesshoumaru. It's Sesshoumaru. It's Sesshoumaru. And to top that off, the man—er, demon—is chuckling! It's a chuckle of doom! Of death! Of despair! Sesshoumaru doesn't chuckle unless he's about to kill someone, like Inuyasha. Oh, crap. He's going to kill me? Is the last noise I hear going to be a chuckle? Because that would really suck.'_

Two large hands came to rest upon her forearms, pushing her back into an upright position. Kagome found herself staring at the face of Sesshoumaru, who was sitting neatly on the other side of the bed. Despite the seriousness of the serious of the situation, she decided to take a couple of minutes to admire his masculine beauty. What else was she supposed to do? Something _useful? _Hah! As if.

Those aristocratic stripes—the long, flowing silver hair—the crescent moon on the forehead—the cold, hard line of his jaw—the smooth skin—it all contrived to make him look like a god from one of her school's Greek Mythology textbooks.

None of which she'd actually read. But whatever—it made _such_ a good simile.

Oh, and his piercing amber gaze, which was currently focused entirely on her.

_Gulp_.

Couldn't he pierce something else in the room with his amber gaze? Like, for example, the mahogany drawer to her left? Kagome was almost positive that it wouldn't mind a bit. Inanimate objects tended to be complacent that way.

Seconds ticked by, in which Kagome decided that she was going to have to have to be the one to initiate a conversation. Sesshoumaru didn't seem very big on verbal communication. He didn't seem very big on any type of communication, for that matter.

Desperately trying to appear like she wasn't officially wierded out, she queried, "Sesshoumaru-sama? Why am I here? Where is 'here'? Am I in your castle? A mansion? Kansas?"

When no response seemed forthcoming, Kagome decided for a more forceful approach.

"WHY… DID… YOU… KIDNAP ME?" she yelled, leaning forward to grasp at his outer robe. Arguably, it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but after all, Kagome wasn't a very smart girl. (A/N: Jk, Im in goemetry, and its rlly hard, but I still thnk I'm smart than Kagome, has you seen how long she spends on her hw? It's rlly stupid, anyways, back 2 the story)

Sesshoumaru's eyes darkened, and within seconds Kagome found herself laying flat on her back with his hands gripping her neck.

"You will not speak to me in such a manner, wench. You should be grateful that I, Sesshoumaru-sama, have not taken your pitiful human life already."

"I am not a subject of yours! I can speak to you whatever way I want, Sesshoumaru-_sama_," Kagome hissed back, her eyes widening when his grip around her neck tightened in response to her outburst.

"Not if you want to retain your pathetic mortal life."

"Then why did you save me in the woods? Why didn't you just kill me then?" she asked once more, her voice raspy from his suffocating hold. Sesshoumaru seemed to belatedly realize the effect his hold was having on her, and he calmly pulled his hands away from her neck.

Kagome gasped for air. She would have continued with her tirade, but realized that it was about time for Sesshoumaru to make an extremely possessive speech absolutely guaranteed to make any fan-girl swoon.

_In the background, violas are strummed tempestuously. Basses are plucked. The anticipation rises. _

Sesshoumaru obviously knew what was expected of him as well, for he leaned forward, his eyes glinting dangerously, and whispered softly, "I saved you in the woods because you are mine. You are mine to do with as I please. Mine to touch, mine to hurt, mine to please, mine to kill, mine to glomp…"

He leaned forward even closer, his fangs beginning to graze the curve of her collarbone, and continued, "You mortals seem to think that actions speak louder than words, so I will demonstrate for you exactly what it is I speak about."

This time, his fangs pierced her skin sharply.

Kagome drew back with a cry, but he quickly reached forward and wrapped his arms around her, holding her still in a controlling embrace.

He began to lap at the wound with his tongue softly, trying to sooth Kagome's soft whimpers. What he didn't realize is that they stemmed not from pain, but that the shock that he actually BIT her. What was she, a human chew doll?

She understood that yes, he was a dog demon, and therefore had some dog-like "urges", but that didn't give him an excuse to BIT her!

Come on. Kagome had been taught in school that she was descended from apes. At first this was really offensive, because she thought the teachers thought this true of only her in particular, but then she realized that it applied to everybody else in her school, and consequently the world. So that was ok.

But she didn't go around swinging around from trees and pounding her chest!

…Actually, that sounded pretty fun.

Meanwhile, Sesshie stopped only briefly to whisper to her, "My future mate…"

* * *

Hooray, Hoorah. I finished this chapter. In case it wasn't immediately apparent, the A/N in the middle of the story was not at all serious…

I was slightly scared of having someone think that it was an actual A/N of mine. (shudder.)

I'm trying desperately to keep this on an absolutely silly level, but I'm afraid I'm failing. I need to go find and read some really bad Kag/Sess fics, and soon. My worst nightmare would to be to look back and suddenly discover that instead of being a parody of bad Kag/Sess fics, it has become an AUTHENTICLY BAD Kag/Sess fic. (shudder.)

Lovely henchmen of mine! I mean, reviewers…: Please review!


	4. Inuyasha and his Blood Beast

Ooo… I smell like Frankincense and Myrrh right now… It makes me feel like I'm ancient royalty, which I am most definitely not. Oh well. It's fun to pretend.

OK, BACK TO THE STORY (REVIEW RESPONSES ARE AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER).

Please Enjoy!

* * *

Inuyasha was pissed. This wasn't an uncommon mood for the guy, but right now he was REALLY pissed, for a number of reasons—all of which would make perfect sense to any reasonably intelligent individual.

Really!

He had been kissing Kikyou, his old love, when Kagome had stumbled upon them. What Inuyasha wanted know was how she managed to stumble upon them in the first place. He had decided to meet Kikyou in a guarded, secret meadow hidden within a deep, mysterious forest over 200 miles away from their current camp just tostop that from happening.

Well, whatever. Kagome was just "special" that way.

When Inuyasha first realized that Kagome had seen them together, he had screamed, "SHIT!" and immediately began running after her. Didn't Kagome understand? She was his true mate, and Kikyou was just… an old fling. Yeah, sure he made out with her, but that didn't _mean_ anything. It had been for purely scientific reasons! He had wanted to know if the ancient adage was true, "A little tonsil hockey here, a little tonsil hockey there, and happiness abounds everywhere!"

Obviously, it wasn't. What a doozey.

He had run to go look for Kagome after managing to rid himself of Kikyou. When he smelt the scent of his half-brother, he had begun to worry. What the hell was the Fluffster doing _here_, in his own lands of all places? The nerve of that guy really was astonishing sometimes.

He had then come upon a small clearing, where he could smell both his half-brothers scent AND the Ivory Night Blossom fragrance that was Kagome.

Mixed in with the smell of Kagome—Ivory night-blossom—he could smell the peppery smell of tears. Now, most tears smell salty, but Kagome's tears… they were a whole different story. Apparently, God Himself (A/N: Ano… this is not nessessarily the Cristian God, its just god in generale. Just wanna cleer that up in case sum one thikns I'm being politaclly incorrect) had seen what an extraordinary person Kagome was, so he had decided to give her the gift of peppery-smelling tears, so that she could easily be differentiated from the dull masses.

The scent of Kagome's tears was not what pissed him off. What pissed him off was the fact that Sesshoumaru's scent, and the scent of his dragon—Uaaaan, was it? Or maybe Aeeiiu? —was intertwined with Kagome's, and that Sesshoumaru's scent smelled a bit… lustier than usual.

This puzzled Inuyasha, at first. He had always thought that Sesshoumaru seemed sorta gay. So what in the world would he be lusting over?

After thinking long and hard, Inuyasha finally managed to put two and two together. Sesshoumaru had been lusting over Uaaaan!

GROSS.

But that still didn't answer the question of what had happened to Kagome. Had Sesshoumaru gone off on a mad love-fest with Uaaaan and accidentally dragged Kagome along? Had Uaaaan seen Kagome, been entranced, and decided that Sesshoumaru wasn't the lover he wanted after all? Were they three now embarking on a love triangle, filled with angst, romance, and kisses under twilight?

This was bad. This was very, very bad.

So now, Inuyasha was forced to sniff around the small clearing, desperately looking for clues as to what had occurred there. It wasn't the fact that Kagome was gone that scared him—he felt more guilty and angry about that than anything else. (If only he could have been there to protect her from the lusty paws of Uaaaan, that cursed beast!)

What _really_ scared Inuyasha was the fact that he had had about ten minutes left to find out exactly what had happened to Kagome before his blood-beast took over and he ravaged the countryside in a blood-rage, desperately seeking his love.

While in this aforementioned blood-rage, his black blood would rise, and he would find himself doing many unpleasant things—engaging in blood-baths, blood-showers, blood-rapes, blood-fights, blood-hugs, and even eating blood-food. Inuyasha shivered, his golden eyes looking around nervously. The road ahead was dark indeed.

Ten minutes passed, in which Inuyasha found no clues as to what had happened to his love.

The eleventh minute passed, in which Inuyasha barely managed to keep his blood-best from surfacing.

The twelfth minute passed, in which Inuyasha worried about what would happen in the thirteenth minute.

In the thirteenth minute, Inuyasha's control snapped. His hands tightened into angry fists, and his eyes began to glow an eerie blood red. He snarled.

"Snarl!" The cry echoed throughout the forest, and if the woodland animals had had boots, they would surely have quivered in them. The Blood-demon Inuyasha had risen.

* * *

I hope you liked it. If you did (or even if you didn't), please review and tell me about it!

Mad-4-Manga: Whoa! When I logged on to my email account and saw your all of your reviews (for both this story and Fleeing from the Devil), I almost fell over in my chair with happiness. Thank you. And yes, I shall definitely be watching out for those plot-birds, less they drop evilness on my story. Though you're quite free to warn me if you ever see one coming.

Ayjah: Hee. I'm glad that you think my parody doesn't fall into the stupid category. I definitely wouldn't want it to be too dumb.

Mom the Manga Fan: I intend on reading "This Can't be Good" as soon as I'm done uploading this chapter. Thank you for the recommendation and for the review!

Spinereader: You read minds… Sue-Kags, hot springs, and evil! Inuyasha will ALL be in this fanfic! Lol. Thanks for warning me about the squished-together words; I think that might have happened when I was editing my work on You know, making an AU parody sounds like a really good idea. Perhaps a high-school one… hmmm.

DoubleNatural: Hooray for good spelling, grammar, and punctuation! Of course, if you see some bad spelling, grammar, or punctuation, please correct me! I would hate to plague the fanfic universe with more bad grammar.

Nekoqueen626: Eheheh. I didn't exactly update soon, per say… but I still updated! Therefore, I conclude that I deserve a cookie.

Jewel of Souls: Don't worry! I shall not stop the story! It's quite fun to write.

Pegasus Rider: Yes! I made someone laugh! My goal here is accomplished. .

Catherine-the elf: Thank you for putting my story on all of your favs lists. Me complimented! Plus, that idea of having her drop kick him is really funny. I don't think Sesshie would like it that much, though.

Cult Kagome and Sesshomaru: Yes, the theme music part was weird, I agree. I was giggling like a madwoman when I wrote it. I must be insane! .

Kaguya's Chaos: Really? You had tears in your eyes from laughing? I'M SO HAPPY! Hee.

Windmage Lita: You know what? I think we should corral together all of the sexy possessive demon men in anime and keep them for ourselves. Sound good?

Bishes: See? See? I updated! I'm still writing! DON'T CRY!

If I've overseen a review response, feel free to complain.


	5. K'tanya of the Spitfire Personality

NOTE: The A/N's within the actual body of this fanfic are NEVER serious. Any misspellings, grammatical errors, or completely inaccurate/stupid remarks are incredibly purposeful. I only want to be thought of as stupid if I'm actually being stupid. (Which tends to happen on a regular basis.)

IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm putting this story on MediaMiner, under the author name "Comique Legume," so if you see my story there, don't worry about it having been plagiarized. The story name is different too. I'd explain why but it's really rather complicated. Also, the story there is exactly the same as it is here—there's not a "Special XXX rated scene where Kagome and Sesshoumaru have fun with whipped cream in the dungeons! Ultra Hot!"

Argh. I don't know where you guys live, but over here it's so hot I feel like I'm sweating out all of my internal organs. (Proceeds to collapse into a puddle.) Here's to hoping that you're enjoying cooler weather!

Please Enjoy.

* * *

Sesshoumaru slowly withdrew from Kagome, licking the remaining blood off his fangs. 'Delicious.' Kagome still sat on the bed, pale and withdrawn. Her finger slowly reached up to tentatively touch her wounds, where dry blood was slowly congealing. Blinking, her eyes wide, she simply stared at Sesshoumaru. 

'_He BIT me and now he thinks I'm his future MATE? Oh, gods, if this system is true for all animals than I'm technically promised to Yuri's bird, that angry Chihuahua I was petting at the park, our class rat, and Myoga_.'

Kagome groaned.

'_Even it if only applies to dogs, I'm still promised to the Chihuahua_.'

Sesshoumaru stared at her; his eyes tinted a delicate red due to his inuyoukai (A/N: inu for dog, and youkai for demon, u know) blood coming to the fore. She was beautiful, and he was going to make her his. That indecent little skirt she wore only enticed him further, but it was completely inappropriate for her new station as his future mate. At least she didn't stink of his damned half-brother's haori. (A/N: ha-or-i… u knows… the red thingy inuyasha is all ways wereing, it's made from muskrat fur)

Obviously she was going to be a bit confused about her situation right now, but that would pass. It didn't help, really, that he had tried to kill both her and Inuyasha all of the previous times that they had met. Ah, well.

Maybe he could pass it off as some sort of tai-youkai (A/N: Tai for Thai, and Youkai for Demon, so that's Thai Demon, see, Japanese is easy) foreplay? It was worth a try.

Staying around to try to explain things to his beautiful night blossom babe would have been a good idea, he knew, if it weren't for the fact that his vocabulary was running off of possessive pronouns alone at the moment, so a typical sentence from him would probably be along the lines of, "Me My Me Mine Mwah."

For now, he'd leave her alone and give her some time to mull over her situation. Chances were that she would also be mulling over how to escape, but from Sesshoumaru's castle, escape was impossible. Yeah, sure, there _was_ a vine that led down her window into a garden where she _could_ sneak around until she then reached the ground walls, which _were_ conveniently easy to climb over from the inside, from where she _could_ run, in hysterics, through a dank wood, but none of that mattered.

She would just sprain her ankle on some of the forest underbrush anyways. (A/N: Un-der-brush. The stuff you find on the ground in forests, especially Japanese ones.)

He smirked, and turned to leave the room. Then something occurred to him. Kagome needed a lady-in-waiting—some one to help dress her, bathe her, and generally be completely useless, seeing how Kagome could bathe and dress herself. Ah, well. A lady-in-waiting was a sign of status, and a social marking. People would disapprove if an upper-class woman didn't have one or two, and we all know how Sesshoumaru lives and breathes to please the masses.

Hmm. Who to pick?

'_Ah… I know.'_

Sesshoumaru slammed the door behind him, only to come face-to-face with just the girl he was looking for. How convenient.

"K'tanya. What are you doing here?" The girl in question smiled and looked demurely to the floor.

"I heard a loud noise, and thought that perhaps help was needed, Sesshoumaru-sama."

He gestured to the room from which he had just left. "There is a woman inside by the name of Lady Kagome. You will tend to her, and be her lady-in-waiting. If I find your behavior passable, then you may find yourself in possession of mysterious new powers. My half-brother may even fall in love with you. Life will be looking good."

K'tayna quietly assented to Sesshoumaru's request. _'…he's never going to realize that I don't like men, is he. Unless his half-brother is really a woman in disguise, I'm just not interested. Sonuvabitch. He's more likely to think of Jaken as a lesbian, and Jaken is a guy. Probably.' _

Stepping inside the lady's room, she gently called out, "Kagome-sama? I am to be your new lady-in-waiting. I am known as K'tanya Morningbane, a half-dragon half-cat demon with smoky mahogany eyes, tousled chestnut hair, an esoteric tattoo, and a spitfire personality. I was formerly Yoda's martial arts instructor, but left that profession when I could no longer find the force within." K'tanya continued on, as Kagome stared at her in increasing incredulity.

'_Damn this to all friggen hell. The next demon lord who typecasts me is going to get drop-kicked.'_

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BlueDove: Eeeps! Sorry I didn't answer your question last time… I looked back and realized that I wrote a response, but then accidentally pressed on overwrite, so it got half-swallowed up into Spinereaders' review response. I would love to write an AU parody, especially a high-school one. 

Spinereader: Er… my review response to you was pretty messed up last chapter, because I accidentally pressed overwrite. My apologies. .

Rainy Nights: Ooops. This chapter is even shorter than my last one. I blame my homework load. But I still want you to REVIEW, because if you don't then I'll run after you with… um… something vaguely dangerous. PS: That guy in Gokusen is very, very good-looking indeed. PPS: Have you ever heard of someone being called a "huckle-berry friend?" I was watching a video of a J-pop band's concert, and "huckle-berry friends" were mentioned. (In English, of course, since I don't understand more than two words of Japanese.) It was funny, to say the least.


	6. Voila! Ze Hot Springs

I really do have to apologize about the long update wait. I had no Internet connection for three weeks. I was in the middle of the woods in Minnesota, where technology is having a new tractor. (Joking… of course… Minnesota was lovely and civilized, and I think well of it, even if the mosquitoes there were a little _too_ energetic about welcoming me, the stupid things.)

STORY BEGINS NOW! Please enjoy.

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_A/N: Ok…. On another note, kikyou will not and I mean will not! Make an appearance in this story wanna know why? Cause she's a bitch and a whore and I hate her I hope she dies)_

Sesshoumaru considered doing something useful—like governing his lands, for example—after he left Kagome's rooms, but realized in time that that was not an appropriate thing for him to be doing, plot-wise. He needed Kagome to fall in love with him, and while that could possibly be accomplished by having her secretly witness him doing something appropriately sweaty, manly and dangerous like practicing his swordsmanship, it was hardly likely to happen if she chanced upon him signing documents or even worse –the hideous thought sent shivers up his spine- delegating.

Somehow, the idea of Kagome witnessing him scribbling away on some paper or another, and whispering, "Oh god! The way his hand moves across that paper…. The graceful arch of his fingers… it's all making my insides twist and ache… what _could_ this feeling _be_? What's _happening _to me? Oooh, and the way he holds that quill, not to mention those incredibly sexy noises it makes as it passes across the document… oh god, it's all making me want to bear this man's children! Aargh… unghgh… I can't take it anymore! COME TO ME, SESSHIE! TAKE ME NOW! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, ON TOP OF THESE SMEXIFUL DOCUMENTS!" didn't seem too plausible.

So instead, he headed over to the practice grounds, where he figured he could execute a bunch of complicated sword moves, or maybe just have his stunt double do them instead. This seemed, to him, to be an absolutely excellent plan. It could possibly yield the result of him being able to "accidentally on purpose" run into Kagome at the hot springs. After all, as his great father Inutissue had once decreed to him, "A noble demon _shall not_ execute complicated sword moves without getting sweaty, and a noble demon _shall not_ get sweaty without taking a bath afterwards, and a noble demon in need of a bath _shall not_ bathe unless he doth bathes in the nearest hot springs, and a noble demon's hot springs shall always—_ALWAYS_—be co-ed."

To which Sesshoumaru could now only say, "Amen, Inutissue. Amen."

* * *

Kagome found herself wandering the halls of Sesshoumaru's castle, looking around rather desperately for the indoor hot springs. (_A/N: its possible, I mean, if u can have indoor pools, than y not hot springs, come on_) She had left her rooms not too long ago, soon after she had begun to feel some sort of strange and foreign urge to go to the nearest pool of hot water and get naked. 

Her conscience was warning her that perhaps getting naked wasn't the smartest thing to do in a castle owned by a lusty dog demon that wanted to make her his mate, but she decided to ignore it. After all, something that happened in so many fan fictions, like this "Unexplainable Hot-Spring Urge", or U.H.U., as it was commonly know in medical circles, couldn't _possibly_ be wrong.

When Kagome wandered into the correct room, she sighed a breath of relief. Now she could finally—finally!—take her clothes off in peace. _(A/N: this is gonna be ironical, you just watch)_ Slipping out of her torn school uniform as quickly as she cold, she couldn't help but utter a small moan as she entered the steaming waters of the hot spring.

When she heard a low growl in response, she merely shrugged her shoulders and continued submerging herself in the water, thinking that that was her stomach talking. After all, she hadn't eaten since before she had seen Inuyasha kissing Kikyou, _(bitch slut hoface!)_ so it made perfect sense that she would be hungry.

In fact, this was actually the growl of an aroused, naked, noble dog demon, which is a very, _very_ bad combination. It's perfectly fine if you have a noble dog, or perhaps a naked demon. Even having an aroused, naked, noble dog is perfectly O.K, even if a bit strange. But an aroused _and_ naked _and_ noble dog demon…?

V. problematic.

So when a hand reached around her waist to tug her against a distinctly masculine chest, she couldn't have been more surprised. Letting out a small "Eeep," a deep chuckle resounded from the mysterious demon behind her—(_A/N: No, wait, I better clear that up. The "Eeep" came from Kagome. It's not like Sesshoumaru simultaneously "Eeeped" and let out a deep chuckle. I mean, he's a cool guy, but we all have our limitations.) _

"Future mate of mine…"

All right, then. That made figuring out who the "mystery demon" was a whole lot easier. "Sesshoumaru," Kagome began, trying to maneuver herself out of his hold, "please, cut the OOC."

Noting her struggles, Sesshie's arms only tightened around her further. "No," he whispered into her ear softly, making her shiver as his warm breath fanned against her face. "Kagome… this is real. I, Sesshoumaru, know what I want, and I want you. But before I go any further, this Sesshoumaru will apologize for one thing. I should not have merely grabbed you in the woods and said that you were mine. Such conduct is intolerable. You are a person, not a concubine, and should be treated as such."

And with that final, completely illogical statement, he began to nibble away gently at her ear, which was when Kagome fully realized how much trouble she was in. Ear nibbling was one of the most effective methods of seduction known to mankind. Pretty soon her insides would be twisting, there would be a strange heat in her lower belly, and there would be fire emanating from every kiss he bestowed on her. All of which sounded pretty painful.

This day officially and completely sucked.

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I love reviews.


	7. In Which Jaken Disrobes

This story is starting to wrap itself up…. I foresee one or two more chapters at most, but then again, my foresight has never been very good. (Didn't I claim that this was going to be a one-shot at first? Oh, the naiveté of youth…) Ah, and I don't own Inuyasha. D'oh.

Some of the fake A/N's I had to write for this chapter made me throw up in my mouth a little. >.>;;;

Please Enjoy. PARODY STARTS HERE.

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Ten minutes had passed since Sesshoumaru had begun his infernal ear-nibbling crusade, and Kagome had yet to feel a single one of her insides twist, let alone turn ninety degrees. His lips and tongue weren't leaving behind a path of fire, but they were leaving behind a path of saliva. Where there should have been a strange heat in her lower belly, there were only her large intestines. 

Sesshie was having problems of his own. Oh, no, not _that_ kind of problem. Everything was in perfect working order… _there_. _It_ was as eager and immense as always. (A/N: duh, his wee-wee is huge, this is the all might he sp? fluffy were talkin abut! 1! 111! Its probly as big as his fluff, or mybe it is his fluff omg! …NM, too harry blushs anyways.)

He knew that the hot springs just served as a way to elevate sexual tension—and by the name of Inutissue, that certainly wasn't the only thing it elevated—and that he would have to halt his ear nibbling soon. But he didn't want to stop. In fact, he decided, golden eyes narrowing, he wouldn't. Nothing could stop him. Well, the sight of Jaken could… but Jaken knew better than to interrupt him while he was bathing. Unless—the horrible thought dawned on him slowly—Jaken decided that _he_ wanted a bath, and unknowingly came in.

Oh, god. Surely fate wouldn't be so cruel, so ugly, and so utterly predictable as to allow that to happen.

Almost as soon as this horrifying notion came upon him, the door swung open to reveal a small green demon wrapped in a terrycloth bathrobe.

"Oh, dear," he heard Kagome mutter as she, too, caught sight of his retainer. "Someone. Kill. Me. Now! Kplzthnx."

Sesshie calmly stepped out of the bath, pulled a yukata over his wet shoulders, and walked over to Jaken, sending him a glare that could have frozen over hell. (In fact, it did. On a different astral plane, Lucifer sat back in his recliner, astonished to see that his steaming hot Starbucks caramel macchiato now resembled a block of golden ice. Sighing, he silently added one more thing—"_Strange Things Happen to the Coffee Down Here_," to be exact—to his list of why falling from heaven was, in hindsight, a Bad Idea.)

From the look on his masters' face, Jaken could tell that he was in deep shit. How could he possibly explain to his master that he, too, was compelled by the laws of bad fanfiction? He couldn't possibly allow Sesshoumaru to mate with the dirty human until he (A/N: He being Sesshoumaru, not Jaken… lolz… confusing verb there I kno. I mean, noun… no, pro-adjective… whatever) had chased her throughout the castle two or three times. His eyes bulging, he managed to stammer out, "Sesshou-sess-sesshoumaru—sa-sama…."

"Damn right I'm sama to you."

"Uh…" the little toad found himself at a loss for words, "so sorry, I'll be leaving now." Waiting until Jaken had fled completely out of the room, Sesshoumaru turned back to Kagome only to find that the hot spring was mysteriously empty. She had been in the water only two seconds ago, and he would have sensed it if she tried to leave through the other exit, right? Unless, of course, she had some strange powers of which he did not know…

This thought held such major foreshadowing that Sesshie found himself overwhelmed. He quickly fled the hot springs to go take a long nap.

* * *

A FEW MINUTES EARLIER: 

Running as fast as her feet would take her, Kagome fled from the hot springs, desperate to get away from both Sesshoumaru and, perhaps more importantly, Jaken. It was positively eerie, she decided, how much he had looked like a Muppet. And if there was one thing that Kagome hated, it was a Muppet.

She had been so freaked out by his resemblance to Kermit the Frog in particular that she couldn't help but flee the room as quickly and quietly as she possibly could, even if it meant having to use some of her more… _secret_ skills.

Ducking into an alcove to take a desperate breather, she fondly remembered the days when she hadn't had to spend her time running from lusty demons. _'Oh, for the times when I was just able to wander around being attacked by demons and having my life threatened every now and then… things were so easy. And when I was back at home, I was just able to sit around catching up on homework and talking with friends. And then there was the time that I found out that I was a demon myself… not that anyone knows other than my mom, of course!_'

Wait….

Oh, crap…

…I never mentioned that to you before?

_Oops._

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I love reviews. (does happy review jig.) Whenever I feel writer's block coming on, I read my reviews... they give me the kung-fu edge I need to be able to smash it into smithereens! Ahahahah! Hah... hah... 


	8. Come Visit BrokenheartsVille!

WOW. An update… finally. I constantly amaze myself. O.0

Please Enjoy!

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Sesshoumaru glided down through his halls, thinking deeply.

He thought…

and he thought…

and he thought, all the while desperately raking through his mind for any ideas that could help him to woo the fair lady Kagome. For two hours, he did nothing but ponder this while he glided through the halls, making sure to artistically trail his boa behind him.

It was then that he was hit by a rather unpleasant epiphany. (A/N: Omg I kno big word we jst lrned it in English pretty cool yah)

Kagome was _human_, gosh dangit. He was going to have to go through an obligatory period where he stoically ignored her, proclaiming her inferiority and inherent baseness due to her humanity.

He might even have to speak in third person again.

Letting out a quiet sigh, Sesshie ceased his infernal gliding to stare morosely at a tapestry on the wall before another _much_ more interesting idea hit him.

'_This Sesshoumaru will be able to go into denial of his own emotions and constant penile-raising! This repression will set the scene for This Sesshoumaru to occasionally lose This Sesshoumaru's Control and subsequently shove Kagome against walls and kiss her hungrily, desperately, and with utter abandon! Preferably with some S&M elements tied in. Ah. "Tied In"… this Sesshoumaru amuses himself."_

His train of thought was interrupted by Jaken's arrival. The little beast was looking harried. No doubt he had just come back from some traumatizing visit to Kagome or another. Jaken proceeded to tell of what had happened. (A/N: Ok so jaken just explained everything himslf, k? Cause im two lazy too type out sum incident where kags pwns Jaken.)

That Sesshoumaru listened to his minion's report, his eyes narrowing attractively as he did so. This was Most Definitely Troubling.

"My future mate must learn obedience. She should _always_ be at our home, resting, or breeding."

"But Lord-Sama-san… er… what about eating?"

Sesshoumaru sent him a Condescending Look. "Did you see that on the list, toad?"

Jaken visibly withered under his glare.

"This Sesshoumaru thinks not."

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Kagome had to admit; being a demoness-in-hiding was never easy. She kept on being overwhelmed by an urge to jump up and shout, "My hair really extends down to my feet, and it's a deep shimmery blue-black with purple streaks! It's a huge pain in the butt. I keep on tripping over it and once a family of mice moved in and I didn't even notice until the third generation was born! My eyes are the color of a clear spring day, and I have three streaks denoting high birth on my cheekbones! It sucks! What if people just think I have a bad plastic surgeon? My breasts are bigger, my waist is smaller, my legs are longer, my penis is bigger—oh, oops, sorry, wrong sex for that—and I'm more athletic! Plus, I have faerie wings! You can't DO anything with faerie wings except look really good when posing in fields of wildflowers!" 

There had been a day when she just hadn't been able to hold it in any longer. She had turned to K'tayna and confessed all. The lady-in-waiting had been succinct in her response:

"So, really, you look like a hairy human blueberry with wings that has been clawed by some sort of small rodent."

It really hadn't been reassuring at all.

* * *

Inuyasha continued his bloody journey towards Sesshoumaru's castle, making sure to stop for the obligatory blood massacre, blood bath, or blood massage every few dozen miles on the way over. 

He had, to be sure, a few moments of clarity, but these were spent doing nothing but unknowingly walking through The Desolate Streets of Brokenhearts-Ville. Would Uuuuan forget about his former master and manage to steal Kagome's heart away, while Sesshoumaru "I seem to have lost my X chromosome somewhere" Taisho seethed with jealous rage in the background?

Or even worse… what if Kagome fell in love with Sesshoumaru! Then there would be an angsty love triangle between demon, human, and beast-of-burden, and pretty soon they'd all decide that forming a threesome was the best way to go.

It was those types of thoughts that hastened his travels towards his half-brother's lands. He'd never liked the western lands. Sesshie had imposed all these stupid-ass rules, like, "While on my lands, anything you a) own b) are leasing c) have smiled at d) have given birth to or e) given the finger to are Mine. Including yourself." (But even Inuyasha had to admit: that kind of law made for a terribly fun trick to play on tourists. "Ha-ha-ha! All your base belong to us! Ha-ha-ha! Ha !")

Even so, it was inhumane that such a thing should apply to his Kagome. Yeah, sure, Inuyasha had been falling back in love with Kikyo before Kagome's kidnapping, but that didn't matter now. All that mattered now was getting Kagome back, so that he could take her aside and quietly explain to her that although Sesshoumaru might _seem_ like he would be good lover material, the truth was much harsher.

After all, the first thing that Sesshoumaru had cared for was a pet; a beautiful white dog with the softest fur that Inuyasha had ever come across. But the poor animal became too dear to Sesshoumaru, who decided to push it away in order to preserve the walls around his heart. Now, all that remained of the beast was the fur boa hanging around Sesshoumaru's shoulders, following ancient dog-demon traditions of killing.

Well…

It _would_ have been following ancient dog-demon traditions, if it weren't for the fact that Sesshoumaru never caught the part about how the fur should be hanging on a wall somewhere.

_Not_ his stupid-ass shoulder. The idiot.

But his point was: Would Kagome really want to end up as a fur boa?

Most definitely not! So, as a true gentleman, Inuyasha felt that it was his obligation to Kagome—nay, his duty—to kidnap her and rape her instead, savaging her brutally in the process.

It might seem cruel to the uncivilized eye, he was sure, and he might even be condemned for his actions, but Inuyasha didn't care.

No one ever said that being chivalrous was supposed to be easy.

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Please review! 


	9. Tensiegfried

NOTE: All A/N's within the story are NOT REAL A/N's.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach. Oh, whoops! Silly me. This is Inuyasha.

Please Enjoy!

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There comes a time in every decent, well-bred captive damsel's life when she must flee from her captor. Some damsels actually get so good at this that they actually succeed in escaping, which causes a grand scandal. Others become quite obsessed with the whole business, and can't even go to the bathroom without seeking to flee the latrine halfway through.

For Kagome, that time was now. She had prepared her pack and screwed her courage to the sticking point, which proved rather difficult, because Kagome still couldn't figure out what a sticking point was. It sounded suspiciously like a sharp kitchen utensil.

Her best pathway of escape was without a doubt the window, because if she escaped by way of the door she would have to make her way through a castle of demons doing devious demony things and thinking devious demony thoughts.

So now, Kagome was poised on her window, looking down at the gardens below. She lowered her self-styled rope down carefully before tying it securely to a latch on the wall. She had been forced to make it out of the multitudes of colorful silken kimonos Sesshoumaru had made for her, which she couldn't help but feel a little bad about. However, as K'tanya had pointed it out, you'd think that if she started tearing the bed sheets apart, someone was bound to notice.

Slowly clambering down, Kagome forced herself to take deep breaths and tried not to concentrate on the drop below her. 'You've gone over this before. You need to do this to escape years of confinement and a forced marriage! Even if you fall, it doesn't matter! Better a broken bum than a broken heart, eh?'

After almost losing her grip twice, Kagome had to admit that the importance of keeping her heart intact was greatly lessening. She was pretty sure that she wanted her bum intact too—and _it_ _was_ bigger, so _there_.

There was also the less than reassuring thought that if she did, in fact, fall, all of Sesshoumaru's horses and all of Sesshoumaru's men wouldn't be able to put Kagome's bum back together again. (A/N: yah so I no that tensiegfried or whatever its called could, but its not a horse or a man so it still makes sence so there)

Finally reaching the ground, she breathed a sigh of relief as she gazed across the empty garden in front of her to the woods beyond.

It is always of utmost importance for a maiden in distress to flee into a forest instead of a meadow or any other such nonsense. It's easy to trip and twist an ankle during a desperate sprint for freedom through deep woods, which makes for a completely unexpected plot twist. Meadows…well…let's just say that it's most noticeably harder to trip over a shrubbery.

Shrubbery bad. Deep woods good.

Taking a deep breath, Kagome stepped out from the shadow of the castle to dart across the garden. She'd never been a fantastic sprinter in school, but she didn't have to worry about any of that now.

She was a _demoness_. Nothing could stop her. Her powers were far too sparkly and her will was far too strong. She had wings, she had shimmery hair, she had fancy birthmarks, she had pubic hair, and _although_ she may not have a tragic past, she could damn well make one up.

In a matter of seconds, she reached the shelter that the woods provided. In a few more, she was sufficiently deep inside the forest that she couldn't see the castle at all.

This streak of luck would not last for long, however. Kagome was about to encounter An Obstacle. (Obstacle: Noun. A large demon or two, preferably smelly and/or hairy with tentacles, that go around attacking young girls because they didn't get enough love as a child.)

The beast and its mate, who appeared without warning, barreled out the nearby trees to lash out at Kagome with their blood-covered paws. Kagome shrieked and ducked just in time to avoid the blow before turning to run, the demons in close pursuit. In fact, things were so hectic that she completely forgot about her demonic powers.

Ooopsie! Ah, well. It's understandable. Things like that are _so_ easy to forget.

Darting madly through between the trees, Kagome screamed again as the first demon leapt at her once again, missing by inches. Her breath came in desperate pants and her hair was flapping madly against her face as she continued her panicked run.

So when she ran directly into someone's rock-hard chest, she was nothing if not surprised. Her eyes darted up to meet those of a very familiar demon—Kouga. She stared at him in shock as he merely darted her a toothy grin before assuming a fighting position in front of her, positioning himself between her and the hostile creatures.

"Oh, my god," gasped Kagome, "it's Kouga!"

"Ha-hah," the youkai closest to Kouga sniggered, oblivious to the real danger at hand, "it's yet another young and attractive strong male romantically and sexually interested in the main female character popping up out of nowhere. God, I love when this happens."

"Shit," snarled the larger of the two beasts, recognizing the true nature of the menace, "it's a plot twist!"

As this last recognition sank in, the two youkai were consumed with an enormous and powerful hatred. Their muscles tensed in anticipation of the fight to come as they tore at the earth beneath them with barely constrained wrath.

The battle was on.

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I believe that this is coming to an end. Hopefully soon, but who knows.

Please Review! As of now, I will be responding to reviews, thanks to the shiny new system here at ff net.


	10. Xtreme ManSkillZ

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I don't hate Sess/Kag fanfiction. And there is nothing wrong with Jaken being gay.

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Jaken had never been a big fan of women. Not to say that he was gay, or anything. It was simply hard enough to find a _female_ romantic partner, as he was, in his green, wrinkled glory. He had decided, eventually, that it was better to stay single, on the grounds that that most women couldn't successfully pass his litmus test of what makes a proper mate.

1. Should be appropriately small, green, and squeaky.

2. Should live to serve. (I mean, this _was_ the Sengoku Jidai. Women were seen as common accessories—like boots, only trodden upon more often.)

The women he'd met in his life so far had a very different idea of what made a good "life mate." Their thoughts concerning Jaken had mostly tended towards two questions:

1. How is that thing actually _alive_?

2. …Can you make it dead?

Consequentially, he found this whole business of Kagome with Sesshoumaru rather ridiculous. Sesshoumaru-sama seemed to expect him to _look after_ Kagome, as if she was his responsibility.

So it was with a burgeoning sense of dread that he realized that he was going to have to be the one to inform his master that she was gone.

Slowly opening the shoji door to his master's office, he stepped inside with a low bow, hoping that this day would not be last. It wasn't Sesshoumaru himself that he was frightened of. It was the mindset of the typical romantically inclined authoress.

He knew that he had already fulfilled his main purpose—he had interrupted what could have become a steamy sex scene (A/N: lolz go c chappie 4 or 5 or sumthing its totally hawt), therefore adding to sexual and dramatic tension. Whereas he used to be a glorious plot device, with a _purpose_, now he was nothing but an ugly frog demon.

A _really_ ugly frog demon.

"What is it, Jaken?" stated Sesshoumaru, not even bothering to lift his eyes from the paper he was reading.

Jaken nervously leaned on his staff of heads. "Sesshoumaru-sama, I have just recently been informed by K'tanya that the human has escaped from the castle."

"NANI?" roared Sesshoumaru. (English-Japanese translation: "NO WAI.")

"Hai," stuttered Jaken, his heart racing in fear. (English-Japanese translation: "WAI.")

"Well, then," whispered Sesshoumaru, his golden eyes glinting with barely-suppressed rage, "the hunt is on." He glided out of the room smoothly, leaving his retainer alone—and unharmed—behind him.

And though Jaken would never truly admit it to himself, he couldn't help that that statement was simply one of the hottest things he'd ever heard in his life.

Not that he was gay, or anything!

It was just hot.

* * *

Kouga couldn't believe his luck in running across Kagome. Earlier in the day, he'd been sitting around, eating raw rabbit like usual, when he was suddenly overcome by the urge to travel. He was sick of his current "neck of the woods." By gods, he didn't even know what a "neck of the woods" was, exactly, though he couldn't help but assume that it was located somewhere between the shoulders and the head. He just wanted to get out of it.

"Ginta, Hakkaku," he had proclaimed between tearing off blooding hunks of meat like all real males do, "I'm sick of this neck of the woods."

The two wolf demons had nodded in understanding.

"It's high time we explored other places."

They bobbed their heads again in response, assuming the "other places" merely meant somewhere simple like the other side of the mountain. The thought that "other places" meant a weeks-long trip to somewhere far on the other side of Japan never crossed their minds.

(This is, in fact, a factor that has contributed greatly to the migration of both demons and humans across the earth throughout history. Cavemen would be sitting around, grunting occasionally and innocently doodling pictures on cave walls, when the chief would stand up and declare, "Guh-guh-guuuuh-guga-Gah-GAH."

Roughly, "It's high time we explored other places."

The cave people would meekly agree, unawares that they would in fact be led all the way to _other fricken' continents_ instead of the hills across the valley. This is, coincidentally, how the government is planning to colonize other planets in the near future. "Oh, don't worry! We just think you need a vacation—a chance to explore other places! Really, you'll just be taking a short trip to Jamaica! Hah-hah! What do you mean, that looks like a spaceship? I have no idea what you're talking about! Hah-hah!)

However, even in Kouga's wildest dreams, he would have never imagined that his courageous steps forward in domestic travel would lead him to his woh-man—_Kagome. _This was just too good.

Even better was that she was being pursued by two bloodthirsty demons. Now was a prime chance to show off his masculine skills. And boy, did Kouga have masculine skills. You could even go so far as to call them extreme masculine _skillz. _After all, it's a proven fact that adding a "z" to any word will make it more than ten times cooler. (_Source: National Society of Illiterates)_

Or even better:

_Xtreme man-skillz._

These included the ability to fight off all sorts of dangerous beasts and monsters (with an added offensive bonus if the aforementioned monsters were attacking a romantic interest), the ability to wear fur shoulder pads without looking like a total tool, and the ability to hunt down woodland animals for food to provide for his tribe. (Cooking, however, was not one of Kouga's available _Xtreme man-skillz, _however, so you _really_ had to like raw meat to appreciate this form of provision.)

He took the initiative in battle by jumping forward and swiping deftly at one of the two demons with his claws. Through a combination of luck, and the fact that actually spending the time to describe long and complex battles can be a pain in the butt, he killed it instantly.

The larger demon let out a bestial roar at the sight of his fallen comrade, his earlier caution flying away in the face of his rage. Twisting to his right, he sideswiped at Kouga, who easily evaded the blow.

But all was not well.

(A/N: OMGZ THIS PART IS RLY GOOD I ALMOST THOUGHT OF ENDING IT HERE W/A CLIFFIE BUT I CHANGED ME MIND CAUSE IM NICE SO YOU BETTER REVIEW LOTS OR ELSE.)

What Kouga had not been prepared for was that the demon's hind leg would kick out and punch him solidly in the side, sending him crashing into the underbrush. Swearing, he stumbled to his feet and swiped at the demon with one hand, the other desperately clutching his side.

This time, his attack connected, and the demon's now-severed head rolled on to the forest floor with a sick thump.

"Ew," said Kagome, who had decided to stand on the sidelines and do nothing on the grounds that it would be much more fun to let Kouga get injured and then nurse him back to health in true Kagome-Sue manner than to actually get involved in the battle herself.

(Important Life Lesson: Fighting for yourself in these kinds of situations is a total faux pas. It's like wearing all-denim—it's just _wrong_.)

Kouga lifted his eyes to meet hers, grinning despite his blood-drenched wound. "It's been a while, beautiful," he drawled. "Want to be my woman now?"

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Until next time. 


	11. You and Your Testosterone

This chapter is short beyond belief, I realize. But to be frank, I have no more interest in this whatsoever.

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Kagome had no idea how she'd gotten here. She could have sworn she was kneeling besides Kouga's battered body just a few minutes ago, but now she found herself in his cave, while Kouga, grinning and cheerful, was trying to get her to eat some raw rabbit.

"What the heck is going _on?_" she asked, lifted her eyes from the bloody piece of meat being waved before her eyes.

Kouga laughed some more. "Instant transportation, Kagome!"

"…What?"

"I'm capable of instant transportation. I'm just that cool. (A/N: yah so I no this isn't true but im lazy and don't want to right stupid filler about how they travel. Talk about lame. You know what was uber lame? Moby Dick was uber lame. All that description of travel was soooooo boring. If I had ritten that they wuld have reached the big white penguin or whatever that animal is by chap. 2 and it would be so much better, trust me.) Hey, why don't you eat some of the rabbit?"

Glancing over again at the meat, she couldn't help but feel nauseous. It was gross. Way gross. Kagome whimpered. "Kouga, um… is there anything else I can eat? Or could you please cook the rabbit?"

Kouga looked her over sternly. His woman didn't quite see how it worked, did she. She just didn't understand that he HAD to try to feed her raw meat. His guidebook to manliness said so! (_You and Your Testosterone: Making the Most of an Otherwise Problematic Biological Relationship)_ It was demonic, and on top of that, it was _manly_.

Thank god he didn't have to eat any of it himself, though. Gross.

But looking at her sad eyes like he was now, he couldn't help but feel bad. She shouldn't have to eat it if she didn't want to. So, putting his reputation as a manly man at stake, Kouga gritted his teeth, set his shoulders, and proclaimed, "Eh, I changed my mind. You don't have to eat it. Don't worry about it."

It was worth it. Kouga smiled inwardly to see her face regain its color as Kouga carefully laid the meat out of sight. But what he _wasn't_ prepared for was her sudden jump towards him as she threw her arms around him in a brief hug of thanks. He was, however, quick to recover.

Sliding his arms firmly around her waist, he tugged her closer to him before she had a chance to step away. The guidebook—or, rather, The Manbook—was very clear about situations like this.

"_When confronted with a sudden embrace, you should never simply accept it courteously and then let it end just as courteously. This is far too polite and chivalrous. It will get you nowhere. _

_Instead, be aggressive. Don't be afraid to draw out the embrace as long as possible. If you want to come across as the Suave But Persuasive Pervert, try a grope. If you want to come across as the Hopelessly Obsessed Yet Genuine Suitor, try a desperately passionate kiss. The options are endless. But If you do none of these things, there's only one thing you're going to come across as, and that's thing is a WUSS. _

_See how simple it all can be?" _

So Kagome was surprised when Kouga, instead of letting her go, continued to grip her shoulders tightly, one of his hands steadying her back with the other smoothed down her ruffled hair. Tired from her escape from the castle, she let herself sink into the embrace, glad to feel secure from the horror of the past day.

His lips moving against her neck, Kouga whispered, "Hey, there's a conference for the youkai rulers in the region. You should come with me. You'll get to experience what it would be like if you accepted my offer and became my woman."

Kagome frowned. "A youkai conference? What kinds of youkai go to this thing?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. The Lord of the North. The Lord of the South. The Lord of the West comes, sometimes. The Lord of the East."

"…so only four youkai go? Including yourself, that is."

Kouga's hand stopped combing through her hair as he stopped to laugh softly. "Don't be ridiculous, Kagome."

"But that's all four directions! East, West, North, and South!"

"There's so much more than just that. There's the Lord of the Northeast, The Lord of the North-North-West With a Little Bit of Land in the Southwest That's Really Not Important Anyways, The Lord of Swampy Places With Mosquitoes, The Lord of Swampy Places With Some Mosquitoes But Generally More Ticks, and even The Lord of That Itchy Spot on Your Back You Can Never Reach. Tons of us come."

Kagome shifted impatiently. That was all nice and good, but she was starting to feel suffocated. "Um, Kouga? You can let go now." Kouga obeyed, a slight blush on his cheeks, but the determined glint in his eyes remained. She sighed to see it. He was hopeless. But before she dealt with that—

"Would Sesshoumaru be there this year?"

"Oh, probably not. He usually has lots of other duties he has to take care of."

"In that case, I'll go." Inwardly, she gave a sigh of relief. _It's a surefire way to avoid him and Inuyasha. I could just look at like, I don't know, a vacation with an overly amorous guy-friend. I'll have nothing to worry about. Nothing at all."_

(A/N: OMG SHE IS SO WRONG. LOLZ YOU JUST WAIT IT GETS SO GOOD!!!1!)


End file.
